i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
