I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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