So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
