Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
