Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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