Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
