Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
