Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Randomize
