I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
