my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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