I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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