you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
