Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
