How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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