Pants 0. Shit 1.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
