In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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