I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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