how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
