is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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