if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
