I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
