I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
