I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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