Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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