Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Randomize
