they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
