I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
