woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
He felt like a one man threesome
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
