I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
