I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
