someone threw a dead crab at me
so that wasnt chicken after all
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
