I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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