Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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