my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
