is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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