dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
we're chasing vodka with high fives
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
