I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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