I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
So here I am, sexting at work.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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