I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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