Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
