do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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