We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
