neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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