when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
