I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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