YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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