I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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