He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
