Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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