i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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