I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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