she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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