now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
