I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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