nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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