He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
