When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
