I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
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